I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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