You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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