My room smells like vodka and shame
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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