its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
