I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
