i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
