So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
