I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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