i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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