i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
