dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
