I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
