party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
