I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
