Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
