I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
