we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
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