let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
