you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
