I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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