They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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