May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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