Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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