I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
