Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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