woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
