you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
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I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
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don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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