i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
