my phone needs a breathalizer
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
