Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
