I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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