Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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