im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
