I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
