Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
