That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
