If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
