I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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