he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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