Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
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I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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