I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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