i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
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Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
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