I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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