Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
