I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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