Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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