We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
