When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Help me help you realize you are a moron
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
