You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
