Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
