Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
