i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
