I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
