apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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