As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
