This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
