I'm going to jail i love you
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
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